UFO tofu

Mind-protection vibrations through the holes in my skull

Sun, 12 Apr 2026 07:01:11 GMT

Normally I don't really like radio music in public, and avoid that style of entertainment in my personal life. And certainly don't appreciate loud music from neighbours. But India actually has some groovy tunes which I can dig. They are dancey and have a whole different scale/note system and style. It is probably a good thing that I can't understand it though. Maybe it's only at this place I am staying. I'll find out if it's different elsewhere very soon.

Something which is striking is that the heat is so intense, that if you place your hand on inanimate objects, they are warm. There's a lot more I could say but I am still in the midst of anxiety-ridden uncertainty. I have not had the mind to do very much lately, let alone articulate my full mind via keyboard. But things are looking up, and I may soon find myself with something closer to a place to rest. My main goal is to find somewhere suitable, and if it works out, stay there for a month at least. I have dearly been wanting a month of rest for around 5 months or so. Or, especially these past few months. The reality is that I have had an unease for 3 years, and it has compounded and accelerated within the past few months to levels which I have not experienced for literally 20 years.

Oh and another thing: I am really glad I didn't go to the big tourist spots. Out-of-the-way places are absolutely the way to experience any new region instead of being coddled by pseudo-western convenience which is barely changing anything from what you left behind. That's not to say I am not still a westerner; I am living a life of relative luxury because of the imbalance between first and third world. I do not relish this, and just today I was given an offer to possibly contribute in a meaningful way to that disparity instead of just leeching off or just throwing money around as a tourist.

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Feanor, the fall of light, and the Wall of Night

Tue, 31 Mar 2026 20:26:02 GMT

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSilmarillion/comments/1s5n77h/feanor_and_darkening_of_valinor/
On of one of my favourite portions of the published work, which I have listened to countless times in both English and German as a means to improve my German.

The elves woke in Cuivienen. They love the night and stars, and even in the 4th age that remains their default preference. The Two Trees were merely a novelty to them, and only served as a bright preview of their own demise. With the coming of light comes the slow decline of Elves and the slow rise of Men. Elves don't need light, but the future fate as determined by The Theme demands it. In his own way, Feanor by his own power was delaying the eventual decay of Elves.

My prompt is: It went one way. Some folks insist that Feanor should have given his life's work up, abandoned them. I think people think too narrowly. First of all, why is Feanor the sole saviour? Could nobody else rise to the challenge of being creative enough to come up with another solution?

Let's consider elsewhither one may find light, directly after the years of the trees:

The stars and planets.

Imagine if the coin had flipped the other way: If Tolkien had been tasked with the science fiction story in Numenor's stead, or perhaps would have still used Numenor but to different effect. Only the men could figure out the way past the (variety of sky barrier terms). But in doing so, they pierced too far: They went beyond where they were ordained never to pass, the Wall of Night, and in so doing, the sky literally fell. A flood so devastating and dramatic that it changed the shape of the world, drowning Beleriand in the process.

We would be left without a reason for the vanishing of Valinor, though, since by going to the stars, the Men would leave the world behind.

The poetic dualism is that by going into the darkest void, they bring back light once again. Consider also unleashing cosmic horrors like Shelob and Balrogs and so on.

[unfinished draft, posting instead of being lost to time, buried with all the others under leaves of intent]

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f0rrest mac reply

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 01:54:22 GMT

wtheck is an "access list"? cbarsed to make this perfect, I typed this up and don't want to lose it. saving here like a post-it to be lost to time:

Macs are tools. Like all tools, depends on how they are used. The fool who buys a new one every year is different from me, who bought one, and then used it for 10 years, and bought another one, and used it again for 10 years.

I can enjoy a soda sometimes, doesn't mean I need to drink it every day. Moderation makes all things better, I suppose.

I loved my iBook G4, loved my Macbook Air less, and now I hate the stupid windows machines I have been using since 2020. It was a mistake to go back to Windows, and I knew it as I did it. I told myself that I would just get another mactop some time! Well it's been 6 years and now I feel like I can't go back.

Reeeee I could just make this an entry on my own journal.

Basically macs are magical to use and really do -just work-. And I hate iPhone appstore culture, they can be used completely independent of that junk.

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Dead tree scrolls, life's death knolls

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 01:34:38 GMT

Something which has bothered me for a very long time, is the commercialisation and replacement of book consumption. Perhaps I only grew up in a very isolated and poor area, but if we wanted a book, we went to the school or town libraries. It is free! But now, it seems normalised to purchase a book to read it once, instead of borrow it and read it once. In particular this was accelerated and promoted specifically by Barnes and Nobleses (as some fools render it). It became fashionable to buy a book as an ornament instead of a resource to enjoy or use. In general I would only buy books I have read more than once, or, a piece of non-fiction reference.

Unrelated: I have moved from Germany back to the USA. Not to one place, though. More of an aimless, nomadic wandering. For a little over a week, and I have already had many tales thus far. My plan before moving back was to document my misadventures using Dreamwidth, and I may yet still. But the reality is that I am struggling, and barely have time or mind to lay out the chaos which unfolds moment to moment. Plus it would be kind of sad to read. It sounds fun without much context, but the reality is that I barely know what tomorrow looks like, which has been my state of being since the end of 2025, and I have not found the stability and security I hoped for. For a very long time in my life, I thought I had cured myself from depression, from the quicksand of negativity and despair. I have long been strong mentally, with an incurable positive attitude and unending hope. But beginning in 2023, a long, slow decline of constant rejection and deeper-than-normal introversion by cultural and linguistic isolation, compounded by my most recent more serious rejections and failures. Doing my level best, trying, but being rejected. I am quite alone, and really at the mercy of the world now. My well of luck and chance seems to have run dry. I seem to have been cursed. All have eroded my once-Pollyanna nature, and I have almost given up. Or really: have already given up but have been in denial about it. I have no idea what my future holds, and the outlook is grim. I am frightened every day. I do not want to become homeless, but now I see it as a real possibility. I have cried more than I ever have in my life these past few months, and I have become nearly useless. I have withered to a pitiable creature.

A few weeks ago I wrote a cool phrase which well summarised my plight, though I can't remember the beginning:

The (something something-oh) of despair and hope.
(it was something like 'changing tide' but a different phrase. The come and go of despair and hope? to and fro?)

The melancholy pale-Poe-imitative whining... It's like I'm really back on Xanga and LJ of the early 2000's!

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Cellular Affectionate Romancing [E-word]

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 18:23:47 GMT

Within the past few days I realised that I am more affectionate that almost everybody I've been with. I want to feel you, and caress and appreciate and etc, all day long. It just automatically happens for me, but I have to ask for them to do such to me. But these girls just WANT SECKS NOW! without any affection in-between. For me, I just want to slow down and savour it. I am also always the organized one. I think the popular consciousness claims the opposite on both accounts.

Something else I wanted to write down soon: 2022-2026 was a stint of 3 different loves, one long from before which ended in 2022, and two shorts since 2022. I think in general I am guaranteed to do more for the other person, and I will always love them more than they love me. The difficulty in finding a good partner is compounded by the inescapable reality that I am cripplingly introverted. And relationships should not be transactional, but it does suck and wears on me when I do infact do more than the other person, or when they forget about me.

The most recent one ended multiple times, and I foolishly dragged at her heels. It sucked and was actually pretty heartbreaking.

I knew OKC was done; that was the golden standard, but died. Today I looked into new dating websites. Turns out, sites are ded and it's all Tinder clones, which all suck. Why isn't there a audio personals site, or even video? Aside from ensuring failure to prolong usage: The Tinder model is junk because you can't get to know somebody from a blurb, which is why OKC was so successful: People put effort into creating a digital facsimile of themselves in order to match along a wide variety of criteria. Just as customised MySpace changed to crappy Phazonbook, so did many other things with the advent of smartphone culture, which made people so dumb. What baffles me is that people continue to accept it all as if it's normal and okay. Well, it's not, and people are retarded. Blessedly, there are still many methods outside of the populous normalcool hubs where one may find good people. I just feel bad for the poor fools who believe they are stuck with monopolised junk.

Which reminds, me, I got my first smartphone ever in the year of Lord Rama, 2026, because basically I would have died without it. After attempting to navigate it, I have come to the conclusion which I have long suspected: It is completely disposable and terrible. I loathe using it, and typing on it makes me want to cut my fingers off. Every single program - pardon, APPLICATION APP - is awfully designed. Now I see why so many modern websites suck now, because they are just smartphone applications through a browser. File navigation, settings, everything is not standardized and just awful on this accursed playskool toy. It is somehow worse than Windows! I plan to rid myself of that garbage as soon as humanly possible and return to a feature phone. At most, the tinytablet will remain a tool to be shoved in a drawer for the occasional once-yearly utility like the feature phones always did. I'd rather have the original Motorola Razr.

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social sheeple shame, and Digg reanimated

Fri, 21 Nov 2025 11:53:49 GMT

I realised a few months ago that, in my current state, I am unable to have friends. (that means: online friends. What is real life?) The desire is there, the loneliness is real. But the chaotic nature of my temporary lifestyle does not give me the mental and temporal space necessary for socializing. I began to give 3 very cool, nice individuals my time, but then ended up "ghosting" them because I failed to keep up. It's hard to find cool people who live outside of the smartphone playground. I feel bad about the abandonment; worse than I ever usually do about anything because some of my only worth is derived from being social online, and to injure somebody else is morally unfair. I also have a mental scar from a few years ago when somebody did that to me.

Before my life was flip-turned upside down, back when I had reliable habits and routines, and a semblence of security, I quite enjoyed keeping up with my online presence. Message boards and chatrooms have been integral my whole life, until I had to stop abrubtly in 2023. I had some friends I would consider to be close and reliable, who I could even call on for help. Regrettably, since I have been absent for 2+ years, I have lost my network and cannot even think to ask them for the help I now need. Since 2023, each successive span of time has only increased my social limitations. I keep finding new opportunities and each time must hold myself back and remember my old abandoned friends.

With good fortune, I should be able to return to something like that some time in early 2026. Then again, that has been the mantra since 2023, "Oh it will get better soon!" but it hasn't. The only constant has been idling and waiting.

Regardless of having friends or not, I will still keep writing to myself. I have endless ramblings saved in text files. Writing is one of the only ways I feel fulfilled. I also have a person who I have traded hearts with for over a year, and she is the one exception to all of this - my one motivation and guiding light, the one thing I can look forward to.

In related news: Digg has returned, one of the early aggregator "kitchen sink" social sites from the era before Reddit existed. It is nice for now, but is already showing it's cracks. The focus or reliance on artificial intelligence is evidence enough - that bubble has bursted but desperate losers are keeping fakesmart on life support. If the population increases significantly, it will become as unmanageable as Reddit. The limited amount of communities is the biggest strength, but I read that they plan to have custom communities. And the constant comparisons to Reddit are the writing on the wall: It has created no unique new killer-app value proposition to set itself apart, nothing new to the table. Reddit frankensteined what was left of Digg and other similar sites, and perverted it into a genetically-modified abominable mutation. To return to Digg is likely no longer possible, kind of like the exodus from Friendster and MySpace to Facebook and the continual online decline since. Nonetheless, like Google+, I will still participate in Digg for now, to see how it shakes out. Probably just as a casual thing, since for me there is little value in such transient services. I prefer long term value like message boards. Long-term value should be curated and maintained. Everything online and offline has devolved into short-term disposables, which has been abused to the point where it became the standard instead of the exception.

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A strange thing happened on the way to the Ruins

Sat, 08 Nov 2025 18:35:17 GMT

Wearing my new goggles to combat the harsh sandstorms of Hoenn's desert, Route 112, I challenged a Camper on the North side to a battle. He sent out his Sandshrew and used Dig. I had my Nuzleaf, daatengu, use Nature Power which turned into Earthquake. Their Sandshrew fainted while underground ... how does that work‽ It makes logical sense; normally most attacks don't hit underground. But how did Sandshrew return to it's monster ball?

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A lesson for the ages.

Tue, 04 Nov 2025 13:10:43 GMT

When I was 5 years old, my dad borrowed a truck from his friend. At some point, I took a quarter out of the center console. Later on, I showed my Dad. He must have asked me, "...where did you get that?" He forced me to take that quarter, knock on that man's door, and while crying I told that guy what I did, and returned the quarter to him. I have never forgotten that incident, and I think that lesson really shaped who I turned out to be today.

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Chatrooms and IMing

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 05:57:04 GMT

AOL Instant Messenger was officially nixed in 2017, though the decline in usage began long before that. Notably with the adoption of MSN Messenger, which sucked, which lead into Skype and it's clones, which sucked worse, all really began the splintering of the population of instant messaging. Text messaging, a cellphone's equivalent, also became popular. People talking online with strangers via anonymous handles in real time with low stakes and complete freedom, declined. Fast forward to the mid 2020's, specifically 2023-2024, and fakesmart chatbots are now becoming popular because nobody has anybody to chat with, with low stakes like they did 10+ years ago. There is a societal starvation for that appetite which was created and then the rug was pulled away. Now it is being fed back to people as a lesser perverted scummy version.

In the same way that your cellphone number is tied to your identiy, so too are all modern "social media" profiles. Normalcools don't have an anonymous outlet, they are limited to the IRL identity-focused "social media" landscape, and may not even know the origins of it with services like BBSes, IRC, and IMing. With the death of "fast food IMing + camming" like Stickam and Omegle, the only remaining spirit of that 90's 00's era free conversation is in imageboards and message boards, which have resisted the monopolized censored hellscapes of "everything and the kitchen sink" aggregators.

This entropy, degredation, and exploitation applies across all things; and in this case, online services. Metal to plastic. Programs, to apps. Lifetime guarantee famils heirlooms to disposables. Desktops to laptops to "smartphones". AA batteries to non-removable proprietary rechargeable. Etc.

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Entry concepts

Thu, 16 Oct 2025 20:08:34 GMT

A messy continuous pile of the endless text file. Maybe have a dedicated tag for that with a warning above each instance because it would be so chaotic and often without context.
Personal anecdotes, daily things, relationships. On LJ I was often very clinical and maybe more philosophical, because I assumed nobody would care. Randomly perusing a few randoms on here, I think it could be compelling if concise. Nobody cares about a wall of text though. On LJ I may have been too aware of my audience and the public nature, but at the same time it iswas a useful personal journal.
Copy/paste imageboard effortposts (part of text file anyway)

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usenet / newsgroups

Thu, 09 Oct 2025 20:45:54 GMT

It's like messages boards, imageboards, or Readit - except better! How have I not used them before?! It's like the IRC of asynchronous communication! Have I discovered the ultimate internet social wombo combo?!

LJ/DW
Usenet
IRC

to do:
-learn to website self host and such
-final, good quality paid email

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Seeking help from you, dear reader =)

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 16:49:43 GMT

Default options are pretty undesirable. I just want to make this look like LJ, like the internet before 2007. If you have knowledge of such things, please send me a message =)

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Myst

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 21:52:16 GMT

Because the game lives in your mind so much, your mind makes the limited world bigger than it is. Imagination is the mirrors which make the room look bigger.

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yuvie

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 11:36:33 GMT

the copper coloured canopy
of an anchored angry ship
stuck until winter is freed
of it's icy ornery grip

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